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Lori Gottlieb That weekend he expressed how much he lookking me and said that although he was confused about what to do, he still wanted me. And that was that. I replay the things he said to me and the endless conversations we had, and think, How can he move on from me so easily?

Any advice? He was clear that he wanted to be with you—as long as he could also ffor with his family. After all, he had you for sex and connection, and his wife for stability, security, the comfort of a shared history, and a mutual commitment to their children.

You seem to fod that if he loved you ror, or if you were more X or Y, he would have chosen you after his wife found out. But commonly in affairs, no matter what the married person says about his marital dissatisfaction, he has many compelling reasons to stay. Divorce is expensive, painful, and time-consuming—not just hiring lawyers and going through that difficult process, but coordinating two households financially and logistically for the long haul.

The material quality for all members of his current household would decline. Nor could he really know unless the two of you get deep in the trenches of children and bad moods and health issues and dirty dishes and shared money and annoying habits and existential loneliness and fear of aging fog utter exhaustion and years of the same fundamental disagreements and recycled jokes—all of which are revealed only in the experience of a long-term relationship.

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Given this degree of uncertainty, would he really blow up his life for you? He may have mariex about it with you—which only added to the already-delicious fantasy of the affair. Without being aware of it, they have an uncanny attraction to people who share the characteristics of a person who hurt them growing up.

In the beginning of a relationship, these characteristics will be barely perceptible, but the unconscious has a finely tuned radar system. Maybe this time, the unconscious imagines, I can go back and heal that wound from long ago by engaging with somebody familiar—but new.

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The looming problem is, by choosing familiar partners, people guarantee a familiar result: They reopen the wounds and feel even more inadequate and unlovable. This might be what has happened for you. Think about it this way: Just as you were a projection of something he is trying to work out, he was a projection of something you are trying to work out.

But now the drug is gone and the feelings are front and center—leaving you in withdrawal, which is harrowing, but which also creates an opportunity to understand these feelings through the clarity of sobriety. So how do you pick yourself up again?

You let yourself feel sad. You grieve the loss not so much of him but of the fantasy you co-created.

You ask yourself if the appeal of him was that you would fkr really feel safe with him. This might also apply to the person you dated who cheated on you. All of this work will help you figure out what you were avoiding by hiding away with a married man, and once you do, you will be so much closer to finding the love you deserve.

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.